When I'm Gone
by SomethingOutOfNothing
Summary: "Jane stared at the smiley face and against his will; all the memories started flooding back. All the pain, the anger, the need for revenge." Jane remembers... Songfic, rated K  to be safe. Jisbon.


**Disclaimer- Don't own the Mentalist, When I'm Gone, or Eminem. I wish I owned Eminem, but we're best not to go there… *Sigh***

**A/N-The song is When I'm Gone by Eminem, a totally awesome song, guys. I've shortened the chorus to one verse instead of two, so that it doesn't repeat so much. Enjoy and review. :) And if this is a total and epic fail, I blame Mentalgal. :) That's all. Enjoy!**

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><p><em>Yeah<br>It's my life  
>In my own words I guess…<em>

Jane stared at the smiley face and against his will; all the memories started flooding back. All the pain, the anger, the need for revenge. He could hear Lisbon in the background, but kept staring._  
><em>

_Have you ever loved someone so much, you'd give an arm for?  
>Not the expression, no, literally give an arm for?<br>When they know they're your heart,  
>And you know you are their armour,<br>And you will destroy anyone who would try to harm 'em,_

Red John had killed his family. The only truly good thing he had left in the world, and he'd taken it. He'd promised to look after them, to take care of them. What did he have to care for now? Nothing. He had nothing. But that also meant he had absolutely nothing to lose.

_But what happens when karma, turns right around and bites you,  
>And everything you stand for, turns on you, despite you?<br>What happens when you become the main source of a pain?  
>"Daddy look what I made," dad's gotta go catch a plane,<em>

He didn't even get to spend that much time with his family before they died. He was always working. Either with the police trying to find Red John, or with one of his patients. His daughter came into his office one time, all she wanted was for him to listen to her play piano. He said no. He was busy. If he had of known, a week from then she'd be gone, he would have listened to her play all day and night.

_"Daddy where's mommy? I can't find mommy, where is she?"  
>I don't know, go play Hailie, baby, your daddy's busy,<br>Daddy's writing this song, this song ain't gon' write itself,  
>I'll give you one underdog, and you gotta swing by yourself.<em>

He never had time to do those normal family things that parents are meant to do with kids when they're young. Things like playing catch, watching Disney movies, or pushing them on the swings. It was times like these, when he was sitting on a park bench, discreetly watching the happy families all around him, that he wished he'd made time. Just once.

_Then turn right around in that song and tell her you love her,  
>And put hands on her mother, who's a spitting image of her,<br>That's Slim Shady, yeah baby, Slim Shady's crazy,  
>Shady made me, but tonight Shady's rocka-by-baby,<br>_

There was one time, after a particularly bad fight about 'how he cared about his work more than his family', he had gotten home after a long drive and neither Angela nor Charlotte were there. And what had he done instead of going to look for them? He had worked the night away until they came back the next morning, just like he knew they would. He loved them, but sometimes family and work just didn't go hand in hand.

At first, he had his two personalities. He had his work personality, Mr Jane, and he had his home personality, Patrick. But somewhere along the line, those two had crossed over and he had become just Mr Jane, at home and at work. He was different. He started distancing himself from his family, and then Red John had brought both sides of him together, he punished Patrick for something Mr Jane had done.

_And when I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn,  
>Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice,<br>Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling,  
>And I didn't feel a thing,<br>So baby don't feel no pain,  
>Just smile back.<em>

The first time he received a death threat would have been about two years after his daughter was born. He was already thinking about quitting the whole 'psychic' thing by that time, his wife was pretty much begging him to, but he didn't think he could. It gave him a rush that he hadn't found doing anything else. But then he had been shot at and had gone to hospital. That was when he knew what he had to do.

_I keep having this dream, I'm pushin' Hailie on a swing,  
>She keeps screaming, she don't want me to sing,<br>"You're making mommy cry? Why? Why is mommy crying?"  
>Baby, daddy ain't leaving no more, "Daddy you're lying!<br>_

It was during one of the rare times he did get to spend with his daughter that she asked, "Daddy? Do you know why Mummy was crying yesterday?" He stopped. He knew exactly why. But he didn't want to tell his daughter, what if she started to think of him as a bad man? She was too young, he decided, so he answered with a 'no' and continued pushing her on the swing.

_You always say that, you always say this is the last time,  
>But you ain't leaving no more, daddy, you're mine!"<br>She's piling boxes in front of the door, trying to block it,  
>"Daddy please, daddy don't leave, daddy, no stop it!"<br>_

It wasn't until her birthday and he had to work, when he realised just how much his daughter understood. He'd told her he'd be back before she knew it. And then she gave him a look that didn't just break his heart, but shattered it into a million tiny pieces, and said quietly, "Daddy, don't leave." He'd pulled out a locket he'd been meaning to give her later that day and put it around her neck and he told her it would keep her safe.

_Goes in her pocket, pulls out a tiny necklace locket,  
>It's got a picture, "This'll keep you safe daddy, take it witcha',"<br>I look up, it's just me standing in the mirror,  
>These stinkin' walls must be talking, 'Cause man I can hear 'em,<br>_

Not long after, was told he had been invited to do an interview on the other side of the country. He had fought with Angela about that, not knowing that Charlotte could hear every word. He'd walked out of their room to find his daughter looking at him with a sad look in her eyes. That was when she'd taken the necklace off and given it to him, repeating the words he'd said, "It'll keep you safe Daddy." He'd hugged her and told her what he always told her, that he'd be back before she knew it. If he hadn't taken that interview, maybe they'd be alive.

_They're saying, "You got one more chance to do right,  
>And it's tonight, now go out there,<br>And show 'em that you love 'em 'fore it's too late,  
>And just as I go to walk out of my bedroom door,<br>It's turns to a stage, they're gone, and this spotlight is on,  
>And I'm singing,<br>_

He'd cancelled the interview and gone back home, but it was too late for him to save them when he'd gotten there, but he could get revenge for them. He'd decided that even before he'd called the police. He could do that last thing to show them that he cared. That he loved them. So with one last look at the red smiley face on his wall and the cops swarming around it, he walked out of the bedroom, got in his car and drove away. He didn't know where he was going. Maybe a cliff… He didn't end up driving off a cliff. He'd ended up at the place he'd met Angela.

_And when I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn,  
>Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice,<br>Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling  
>And I didn't feel a thing<br>So baby don't feel no pain  
>Just smile back<br>_

Jane had never been one to believe in any sort of God, but sometimes he would lie under that smiley face and talk to them. About important things or sweet nothings. He would never tell them about what he was working towards though; he knew that neither of them would like the idea of him taking revenge on Red John in their name. He also knew that they couldn't hear him, but sometimes it was nice to pretend. Pretend that they were there, with him.

_Sixty thousand people, all jumping out their seat  
>The curtain closes, they're throwing roses at my feet<br>I take a bow and thank you all for coming out  
>They're screaming so loud, I take one last look at the crowd<br>_

He couldn't even sit in front of a camera for year. Anything to do with crowds and clapping and he couldn't do it. So many people wanted interviews after his family was killed and he had told them all to go to hell. He'd stopped talking to people. He hadn't talked to anybody since the funeral, and he intended to keep it that way. If he didn't talk to anybody, maybe no one would miss him if he finally decided to…

_I glance down, I don't believe what I'm seeing  
>"Daddy it's me, help mommy, her wrists are bleeding"<br>But baby we're in Sweden, how did you get to Sweden?  
>"I followed you daddy, you told me that you weren't leavin'<br>You lied to me dad, and now you made mommy sad  
>And I bought you this coin, it says 'Number One Dad',<br>_

It was some time after his first visit to the mental asylum that he found it. It was a coin, but not just any coin it was the coin Charlotte had given him for Christmas. She'd been so proud because she'd made it herself at school. Scribbled on it in marker in a child's hand writing was 'best Dad.' That's when he decided, he was going to go to the CBI, and he _would _find Red John with their resources.

_"That's all I wanted, I just want to give you this coin  
>I get the point, fine, me and mommy are goin'"<br>But baby wait, "It's too late dad, you made your choice  
>Now go out there and show 'em that you love 'em more than us"<br>_

He'd joined the CBI as a consultant, but he hadn't expected to get so attached to them. The Serious Crimes Unit had become his family over the years and he felt guilty about it. He felt like he was betraying Angela and Charlotte by caring about those four people (and as he found some time later, one person in particular.) Jane knew that he'd kill Red John and go away. Probably for life. So why was he hurting the people he cared about if he knew it would kill them when he did that? To show Angela and Charlotte that he loved them.

_That's what they want, they want you Marshall,  
>They keep screamin' your name,<br>It's no wonder you can't go to sleep, just take another pill,  
>Yeah, I bet you you will, you rap about it,<br>Yeah, word, k-keep it real,  
><em>

The years went by, the nightmares didn't go away though, and he knew they probably never would not even after he'd killed Red John. He couldn't sleep properly anymore, so he'd started taking pills. It wasn't like he was addicted, he reasoned. He just needed them so that he could function and do his job.

_I hear applause, all this time I couldn't see,  
>How could it be, that the curtain is closing on me?<br>I turn around, find a gun on the ground, cock it,  
>Put it to my brain, scream, "Die Shady" and pop it,<br>_

He'd killed Red John, and he'd been ready to go to jail for the rest of his life since he'd started working with the CBI, but then something unexpected happened, he realised he didn't want to go to jail. He wanted to live a normal life with the woman he loved. Why didn't he see what he'd had before?

_The sky darkens, my life flashes,  
>The plane that I was supposed to be on crashes and burns to ashes,<br>That's when I wake up, alarm clock's ringin', there's birds singin',  
>It's spring and Hailie's outside swinging,<br>_

An amazing thing happened though, the jury ruled not guilty. He'd only ever felt that happy when Charlotte had been born, he was sure. He ran over to Lisbon and hugged her tight. He'd told her right there and then that he was done with revenge and that he wanted to try and have something with her. She had smiled and told him that it would mean he'd have to be less impossible.

_I walk right up to Kim and kiss her,  
>Tell her I miss her, Hailie just smiles,<br>and winks at her little sister,  
>Almost as if to say,<br>_

It was interesting, six years later and they were still together and he knew that this time around, he wasn't going to make the same mistakes. He was going to show that he loved them every day, because he knew that it could be the last time he got the chance. He was going to stay home on birthdays and Christmas. He still visited their graves on their birthdays and their anniversary, the only difference was he had his wife there with him, and it made it that little bit easier.

_And when I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn  
>Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice<br>Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling  
>And I didn't feel a thing<br>So baby don't feel no pain  
>Just smile back…<em>

It had taken him a while, and he wasn't sure how exactly it had happened but one day he had woken up, looked up at that smile and realised he needed to move on. He couldn't hold on to that anger forever, or it would consume him. He realised that he needed to remember them, as they were, happy and alive. Not how Red John had made them. That was when he made the first step to getting the beautiful family he had today, his daughter, his son, and his wife. The one who had helped him turn it all around.

Jane looked at the smiley on the wall and lifted the paint roller. It was time to start again.

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><p><strong>And tada! Second ever Mentalist fic, first ever songfic. :)<strong>

**And just so you all know, I meant for it to be slightly disjoined, its memories, so I didn't think they'd all join up perfectly.**


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